Whoever said “Time heals all wounds” didn’t know crap. He was a lucky b******* who didn’t ever feel real pain because time my friend, doesn’t heal jackshit. The wound remains the same. The pain remains the same. With time, you put layers and layers of gauze, learning to ignore it and learning to live with it. Hoping, it’s healing. But, it’s not. All you have is a flimsy layer of gauze. One little bump. A strong gust of wind. And, its gone. Your wound lies exposed, for the world to see and for you to struggle and hide it.
When one goes through profound pain there is no closure. The term closure is one of the most stupid words used all the time. (Sorry, I can’t think of any flowery ways to say it.) Something that shook you, tore you apart, sucked out your happiness and left you a shell of the person you once were; how can that ever leave you? How can you ever close your heart and mind to it? So, if you can get closure, then again, you are lucky and you never went through that gut wrenching pain. And, I hope, you never do.
But, if you are one of those incredible souls who have gone through or are living that life which seems worse than hell, let me just tell you one thing. It is ok.
It is ok to grieve. It is ok to fall apart. It is ok to feel like your world is crashing down. It is ok to feel like you will stop breathing. But, it’s not ok to give up. Do not give up. Feeling this pain, feeling helpless doesn’t make you weak. It just makes you human. I would rather cry, howl, fall and rise than to go on living my life without feeling anything.
You are asked to be strong. You are asked to move on. Which you will. One day. You don’t have to be in a hurry. You can shove your feelings and pain under the rug and put up that gorgeous smile for the world to see. You can go shopping, throw a dinner, be the life of a party, but that doesn’t mean you have moved on. Only a fool would expect or think that. A fool who hasn’t known or understood your trauma. A lucky fool.
There would be more bad days than good. You would feel, along with the world that you have a split personality. Forget days, your mood would change in a matter of seconds. You would be the psycho, crazy, emotional person nobody gets or wants to deal with. You would see your “friends and loved ones” (Yeah, that’s an air quote right there) abandoning you faster than rats jump off a sinking ship. Isn’t it great? You just learnt, who the people actually care about you are.
You will see the people who you trusted the most, leaving your side. Abandoning you. Running away like you were the plague. It’s heartbreaking. You will lose the little confidence, strength and self-respect you had. You will think you aren’t good enough because the only thing you want at this moment, need at this moment is the people you trust. So, you will come up with reasons and justifications for their escapist behavior. But, remember. This is not on you. This is on them.
Relationships aren’t just about the good times. They aren’t just about the comfort to tease a person cause you can. They aren’t just about drunken nights and dinner parties. Relationships also involve being there when the going gets tough, being loving and supportive. Holding each other’s hand when the dark clouds roll in. And, anybody who thinks that they could just live their lives enjoying the good times, then they do not have the emotional understanding and maturity to have a real adult relationship. By relationship here, throughout this post I don’t just mean a romantic relationship. It is about friends or family too. Anywhere where you get emotionally invested.
I am not being judgmental here. It isn’t as simple as Black and White. Life is all about the greys. Like Alison says in “The affair”, “Nobody is good or evil, everyone is doing their best to get on.’’ So, someone’s good for themselves might be your evil. Hence, you are better off losing these people. Might not seem like that now, might not seem like that for a long long time. But, trust me, one day you will breathe a sigh of relief. It’s ok when someone doesn’t know how to help you but it’s another matter when they make it tougher for you to get through. It can be in a lot of different ways. Telling you are crazy, it’s time to move on, you are dragging them down, they can’t be bothered by your shit, you are obsessed with the issue etc etc. It’s better to be lonely than to be surrounded by negative people. People who remind you of your trauma and struggle, and not in a good way.
I have seen people judging and shaking their heads over someone’s outburst calling them unreasonable. Only to do the same thing when they went through their pain. It’s very easy to sit on the outside and preach. To say what one should do or not. Have we all not commented on that victim of domestic abuse, real or fictional? “Why does she still stay with him? I would have punched his face and walked out?” Or the victim of dowry harassment or eve teasing. “Why doesn’t she tell anyone? Why is she keeping quiet? Go to the cops! I would have put them behind bars!!” (Again these are examples that just popped into my head. Thanks to all our movies and shows. No intention of implying that women are always the victim. The topic here is applicable to everyone.) You are on the outside, watching them. With a clear mind, trying to be rational and right and practical. But, unfortunately life is seldom about practicality. Emotions. Emotions and feelings run us. You don’t know why someone did or didn’t do what they did. You don’t know the place they are at. Most times you are forced to do things you don’t want to. Hell, in our country, most don’t even have the choice of career or life partner. So, have a little empathy. Take a step back. Don’t judge. Don’t comment. Don’t gossip about how someone isn’t dealing the way they should. You aren’t there. And, you don’t want to be.
No matter how much people claim that they love you or care for you, the bottom line is, nobody will sit by your side forever. Especially when your shit starts splattering all over their rosy life. They are not expected to sit forever. But, if they were part of your inner circle, you subconsciously start depending on them. Leaning on them for emotional support. So, make sure you have someone to hear you out. Someone who understands and accepts the fact that you are in the eye of the storm and you need all the support you can get. You need a friend you could talk to. Cry and lament. Who listens to your story, hears your side, respects your feelings and doesn’t judge you.
This time of struggle can become a time of learning. You will learn what you are made of. How strong you can be and what breaks you down. Time to finally discover yourself. Not as the parent, partner or friend the world knows you as. It’s time to know and love YOU. Who are the people worth cherishing for life and who you are better of leaving behind. You might make new alliances and friendships you never ever even thought about. Strangers might become your beacon of light, guiding you through your time of darkness.
Dealing with emotional trauma is exhausting. And deal with it, you will have to. Don’t do it alone. Trust me, you don’t want to. It’s very easy to slip and let the darkness take hold of you. So, if you don’t have someone to lean on or unfortunately you are like me, extremely secretive and private. You obviously cannot spook someone now by pouring your heart out. Time to look up for a therapist. Yes, it still is a taboo and expensive but, it’s worth it. It’s liberating to talk and let out your feelings. It’s even better when you know you aren’t being judged and what you say will forever remain a secret.
If you aren’t ready for this yet, there are various support groups online where you can express your feelings. One such being http://www.7cupsoftea.com/
You are always welcome to reach out to me. You can connect me through my email mentioned in this blog.
I don’t here pretend to understand every trauma and struggle one can go through. But, I know that life is tough and more often than not you need support. After all, man is a social animal. We aren’t meant to walk through life and its hardships alone. I have had my shares of ups and downs to understand the despair one feels in a situation like this. I have not overcome them yet. I may never. But, I will keep trying and keep moving on. And so should you.
So, keep on truckin’ soldier.