32 years old, not a day wiser.

On the eve of my 32nd birthday, I can’t help but wonder where the years have gone. You are supposed to be plagued by questions like these, when you are at the dusk of your life. Reminiscing about the good old days and regretting your f*** ups. Well, that’s what I used to think before I was introduced to my adult, “wasted her life away” self.

I am a self diagnosed Obsessive Compulsive thinker. A very good friend of mine, hates it when I call myself OCD. Not because he thinks I am not, its because he loves being called an OCD and according to him, I am not good enough to be something he is. (How are we friends again?) So, here you go. I do not have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (BTW neither do you, if you go by the definition and symptoms. So, take that!) but, nobody will refute the fact that I am an obsessive thinker. We will dwell into how, this behavior has driven me and the people around me insane, some other day. If we do it now, it will start the waterworks. I can’t afford that, as I have to take my son to a birthday party in 20 minutes. And, I cannot go there with swollen, red eyes and a puffy face.

So, back to the question of the day. Where did my friggin life go?!!

You would expect an obsessive thinker to have obsessed about her life, planned it, figured it out. Surprise!! Surprise!!! She didn’t!!
Planned every other goddamned thing. Menus for parties a few months away, other people’s birthdays, weddings etc etc.

Earlier this year I had thrown a surprise birthday for a very good friend.  Custom made cakes keeping his favorite flavors in mind, drinks, friends, gifts etc etc. I drove my co-planners mad with constant additions and questions. Thank god, for the little sliver of brain I was left with, I realized that if I did not stop it, they would be more than happy to kill me, bury me quietly somewhere and have a double celebration. Freedom!!!!
But, this is not it. I had planned his next birthday and the gifts before the night had ended!!! So, when I say I am an obsessive thinker and planner, please do not take it lightly. Events tend to tip me into crazyville.

I guess that’s the problem. I looked at the small events in my life. Never looked at the big picture. The choice of my education, career were all based on short term plans. What got me happy and excited at that moment.

Getting into a prestigious college was important; was planned. But was that line of study right for me? Not planned, not thought out. The what ifs and regrets are never ending. But, let me be optimistic for a few minutes today. What it being my birthday and all.

So, I would like to think, that it’s still not too late. I can plan to take charge and get going or I can plan to sulk about my “not so right” life and write lengthy blogs about it. I will probably end up doing both.

Right now I plan to clean my house up and bake myself a cake.

Oh, well. Happy birthday to me!!!

P.S. BTW I think I am PMSing. You can ignore all of the above.

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